"regular jelly"

the age old question- strawberry or grape.
i enter into this conversation on average once a month-
uh, i may or may not initiate all of them.
come on, it's not entirely unlikely that i happen to look like a peanut butter and jelly connoisseur and people just feel a natural urge to approach me with their pb&j related inquiries.

anywho. i never know the answer, so clearly, their pb&j-dars are off. i mean, personally, i think it's strawberry, but that's just because i grew up on strawberry jelly in my pb&j. however, this may simply be due to my parents' general preferences; they do love their strawberry ice-cream. but then in opposition to my own authority, there are cartoons which always portray pb&j as purple. however, this is by no means conclusive and can be attributed to a number of reasons:

1. they (yes, them) ran out of strawberry-scented ink and wanting to do a quality job decided to settle for grape-scented ink rather than settle for scentless red ink.
2. they overused their red colored pencil down to a useless stub and although they tried to make it work, a hand cramp resulted that was so intense that they finally settled for the full-length purple colored pencil.
3. although recognizing strawberry to be the "regular jam," they feared that the red jam would convey communist undertones.
4. after an extensive child development psychology studies, researchers reached the conclusion that purple promoted playing nice with the other kids, or in their words "constructive peer interactions."
5. the artist didn't really care and grabbed the first color at hand which happened to be purple, if it had been green, the age old argument may have turned out to be apple or strawberry.
6. the vendor that sold the studio their colors didn't speak english and even though they meant to buy a lifetime supply of red inks for all their jam needs, the vendor gave them all purple inks and then stubbornly stood by a no returns, no exchanges policy.
7. a strict deadline was approaching and the last two things to be colored in were a fire engine and the jelly and everyone knows that fire engines gotta be red and of course, there was only one red so the person coloring in the jelly had to settle for the next best jelly color- purple.

with all this being said, i believe it goes without saying that strawberry is, in fact, regular jelly, and i am, in fact, a pb&j connoisseur after all- sweet deal.

oh boy, now i just smeared a huge streak of (delicious) peanut butter on my shirt and i can't even lick it off because it would defeat the purpose of removal since my tongue is still all peanut-buttery goodness.

merry-land: day two

time goes by slower here. i swear it does. okay fine, i just bum around more. and the bumming is inversely proportional to the speed of the passage of time. inversely proportional? is that right? it doesn't roll of my tongue the way it should. inversely proportional. bah. that's gonna bug me. oh well. so once again, i am going to attempt to write every single day this summer, so as my brain shan't becometh rusty. i don't even know what i'm saying. i'm not really in a writing mood. not to mention there's nothing much to write about today. all i did was download music. and i ate cereal. but that's it. i haven't had cereal all year basically. unless i ate cereal at home this winter which i may or may not have done. but i definitely didn't have cereal once at tufts. what kind of cereal did i have this morning, you ask? well, i had peanut butter captain crunch. is that the proper order? should it be captain crunch peanut butter? no, no. definitely the former. it was slightly antagonistic towards the roof of my mouth and the bananas i put in it made the little milk that was available all thick and almost took on the consistency of yogurt. interesting, huh. peanut butter banana. awh, makes me think of summit. i miss never being for a lack of people. i miss tufts a lot more than i expected- i was so homesick! but now, i really really miss tufts and that lifestyle.

i made a tumblr but i think i'm gonna go disband it and all of its one post. i must. i gotta. no matter how aesthetically pleasing and brand-spanking-new and shiny it is. goodness. i’m such a compulsive blogger- the self-proclaimed pokemaster (hyphenated word?) of the blogging world: gotta catch’em all. xanga. myspace notes. facebook notes. blogspot. twitter. words, words, words, i’ve dabbled in them all. dipping in each of them to paint a wildly disjunct reflection of my life. it’s like finger stamps. or skin stamps? you know, when you use a ball point pen and draw on yourself & then squmoosh your finger on some other part of your skin or paper and it inks on like a stamp? but the more you do it, the fainter the image gets. yea, something like that. i’m about out of ink here- no more. oh two more places i store my heart: flickr and my diaries. oh my. i’m like voldemort! and the horcruxes? hahaa. maybe not quite as damaging. but i’ve split my heart and mind and words into 283947029384 mediums and now i just feel all over the place. oh my. i think there was one more, pre-xanga. but i don’t even remember the name of the domain anymore. i can picture it in my head though. we posted stories. was it with kate? with bids? and quizzes. did the domain name have a z in it, an x.. some letter of the alphabet? was it simply old-school blogspot? gah. okay, okay. it doesn't matter. and i think that's enough out of me for a day.

history sucks

and i've finally figured out why.

it's because people only ever really feel like writing or journaling or recording events when things absolutely, positively BLOW. most people, myself included, don't feel like sitting ourselves down, quieting our hearts, and writing a few words when our hearts are BURSTING with joy, when we feel satisfied or content with the little things, when we're over-awed with beauty, when we're just happy to be alive and living that one moment. those moments speak for themselves and we don't want to undermine them with our words so we keep quiet and simply revel in them. while when we're overcome with sadness the darkness eats away at us and we try so desperately to find the words to bind the darkness, to contain it, stop it from seeping into everything we own. if anyone were to read my blogs, my diaries, it would seem like my life was very dreadful indeed. i fill pages with heartache and stuck in the cracks of all the brokenness, there is the occasional page with a huge smiley face scrawled in there- because in that moment of joy, that's all i could say without delimiting the bliss i was feeling.

and all those characters in our history books, all we ever read about are wars and tariffs and riots and other unpleasantries because no one bothers to write about the days when they sat under their favorite tree with the sun streaming down on them and they just felt peace and joy, or how blessed they felt sitting down at breakfast with people they loved eating their favorite foods in the whole world, or the presents they got for their birthdays or the surprise birthday banquets they were thrown by their best buddies. happy memories die with you, but sad memories brood in dusty pages waiting to be read.

i've been happy. i've been sad. last night i sat in the midst of all my boxes and dust and luggage and unpacked junk at five in the morning and just cried. but today is sunshine.

sunshine is also like jesus. it helps me love people better, love them more.

so ten boxes become sixteen and my crap is still all over my floor.
asdf, back to it.

a hollow chocolate bunny

today i feel nothing but lack.
if i even feel at all.

a lack of everything and anything-
of passion and purpose
of fire and fancy
of heart and hustle

i feel like a shell.

i am a shell.

a shell composed entirely of pixels and calories-
chocolate calories.

all time low, much?

i don't even know what to say.
i just feel empty.

and sad.

do i feel so invincible, so immortal that i don't even flinch when i waste an entire day of my life? today is a day i will never get back. ever. april 18, 2009. i did nothing with it. absolutely freaking nothing. i don't think i've ever wasted a day so entirely in my life. never have i gone an entire day without speaking a single word. what if i've forgotten how to speak? never have i gone an entire day without breathing the same air as someone else. but today, i managed to do all that, on my bed, in my pjs, behind locked doors. nobody saw me. i saw nobody.

i try to make a point of being seen. sometimes when i'm out, i'll buy a juice even though i'm not thirsty. if the store is crowded i'll even go so far as dropping my change all over the floor, the nickels and dimes skidding in every direction. i'll get on my knees. it's a big effort for me to get down on my knees, and an even bigger effort to get up. and yet. maybe i look like a fool.

all i want is not to die on a day when i went unseen.
- nicole krauss, the history of love

i feel like something's died inside of me,
but i can't think of any reason it would.

i'm just tired all the time. worn out.
and my light just keeps fading dimmer and dimmer.

God, what's wrong with me?

all i know is,
today really wouldn't be a good day to die.

so, this is what cobwebs feel like.

i've never felt this way before-
this disgusting,
this heavy,
this burdened,
this pathetic,
this dirty,
this despicable,
this unworthy.

God, how could i do this to You.
to live so purposelessly, so aimlessly, so idly.
where is the victory in my life?
You conquered the grave and here i am still wallowing in the dirt.
i just. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm just upset with myself.
for letting these things get a hold on me, on my soul.
pounds of chocolate.
buffy the vampire slayer-
endless hours of buffy.
neopets games and free cell.

what am i running from, why do i feel the need to drown myself in these cheap sources of numb inebriation?

day after day, i sit on my bed, lie on my bed propped on my elbows as two o'clock becomes five, becomes eleven, becomes two again. i haven't touched my camera since spring break. i've been skipping classes. i've been having nightmares of demons and vampires every time i close my eyes. i've sinned. i've lusted. i've craved. i've relented. God. this is wrong. i can tell. i haven't spent time playing guitar. i haven't even been out to davis, taking a walk in the sun. i haven't been reading all the new books i bought. i haven't cracked open Your word. all these things that i love. some even my passion in life. something is wrong. something is very wrong, God. i'm aware of this. and i'm scared. i feel dusty and cob webby. i've been so sucked into the world of buffy and her demons that i've forgotten about the demons in our world and i've let them get a hold of me. i can tell. God. save me. i need You. i need You so bad. make me brand spankin' new (again).

so curious.

stop assuming-
not everything is about him.

here is a trustworthy saying

that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-
of whom I am the worst.
- 1 timothy 1:15

God. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i hate that i'm like this. i wish it had never happened. i wish i had never known. i wish i didn't desire it. i hate that i give in. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i keep trampling underfoot Your gift of grace. oh God. help me. how can i do this to You. to him. to myself. i'm sorry. i always am afterwards. but i do it anyway. i'm sorry. this is despicable. what will it take? if i say never again, will that be enough? what will i have to lose? what would have to be on the line before i can stop? God, i need You, need Your help, i can't do this myself.

bring me back to the place
of forgive and grace.

this is my life in black & white

this is my life in technicolor.

i'm a little bit smitten tonight.
a little bit melt-y around the edges.
oh baby, one-hit k.o.

do you remember

all those sleepless nights scrolling through pages of icons and quotes, looking for a glimmer of your heart in them. do you remember the songs, the anthems, the lullabies that your heart hummed along to. do you remember the faces that were so beautiful in your eyes. do you remember the particular stars that you stretched out your arms for, the ones you touched &the ones that were light years away. do you remember the exact shade of gold the world took on when life swept you off your feet. do you remember the number of pieces your heart lay in, shattered on the floor beneath your desk the nights you cried. do you remember the prayers that tumbled out from between your lips as you learned to walk with Him.

of course i remember.
all i can do
is remember.

i finally have a toothpaste preference

colgate > crest.

and this is a monumental change in mindset
since i'd always considered the two interchangeable.

but there is such a fundamental difference,
a risk factor that i'm unwilling to take-
the twisty cap,
oh, how much grief you cause me.
i just don't have enough hands when i'm brushing my teeth to maneuver the twisty cap. so i end up not recapping it, because it is such a hassle, and then the toothpaste dries out and it's such a hard time squeezing it out and it's all clogged up and hardened and gross. grief, i tell you. grief.

and with crest, the chance of a twisty cap,
is just a risk i'm not willing to take.

the twisty cap and the flippy cap make all the difference.