unhealthy

i feel very very unhealthy.

what gives it away you ask?
maybe it's the hour.
maybe it's the sneezing.
maybe it's the wads of tissues.
maybe it's the swelling and redness.
maybe it's the itch.
maybe it's the bulge.
maybe it's the folds.

maybe i just miss you.

haha okay,
yeah yeah, i know it's not the last one,
but i just wanted to let you know that i do :)

that beautiful somewhere

imported from facebook.

he followed the sun & she chased the stars
& in dreams they listened closely for the beginning of all things,
for that was where they knew they'd find each other.

an image just popped into my mind:
imagine a circle, a race track if you will,
do you see him, can you see her?
they're standing at one point of the circle,
with a glass wall between them stretching up to all eternity,
un-shatterable & un-climbable.

"but at least," they tell themselves,
they can see each other through the glass,
their eyes free to gaze upon the features of their beloved.
& if they close one eye and squint a little, they can pretend
the fractions of inches between their fingertips
are just the light playing tricks on them.
"we'll take what we can get," they think.

but little do they realize,
if only they were willing to walk apart from each other a little while,
if they could take those steps of faith,
they could find each other standing face to face
& then wrapped up in each others arms.

they could, with those meager miles,
& the temporary separation,
trade away those frustrating fractions,
that permanent distance.

i'll meet you there.

love is beautiful

i'm always striving to find those perfect words,
the right tools that will permit me to reach my heart
deep within the mystifying folds of infatuation,
of love.

but maybe,
it's only confusing if you believe it has to make sense.

maybe that's the beauty of it.
maybe that's what's worth living for.
maybe we wouldn't have it any other way.

after all, the bestest most intensely beautiful things in life are never susceptible to the bounds of human language. you can't package it neatly and keep it because it's too much for one person to keep all for themselves. don't you know? true beauty is only ever fleeting, and it must be shared, sustained by an undefinable joint experience.

so when you find yourself faced with that vague intense speechlessness, maybe it's a sign that what you're beholding is something truly beautiful.

and maybe you'll find yourself holding your breath,
hoping that maybe,
without each steady breath
regulating life like a metronome,
it won't realize time is still moving,
urging it along.
maybe it can be convinced that time has come to a stop,
and maybe,
just maybe,
it'll stop too.

or maybe it'll slip away,
just as fast as a breath passes between your lips.

what to say

i don't need an outlet for my words anymore,
i have you again.

:)

i hope this lasts.
i hope this isn't all just in my head.

it probably is,
but i'm a staunch optimist.



7:52 PM
or maybe i need it all the more,
to record all the words you inspire my heart to sing.

deliberation

de-liberation-
the removal of liberation,
of freedom.

and when freedom is gone,
what room is left for chance?

it's not fair.
we have time and space against us.

never will we be thrown together in class to work long hours on a project or spend hours studying together for mutual tests and exams.
never will we eat a casual meal together because we both happen to be in the dining hall or decide to grab an impromptu bite because we both happen to be hungry and free.
never will we share a quick conversation, a snapshot of a moment, because we happen to be heading in the same direction or find ourselves on the same bus.

never will any of these casual seeds of friendship be scattered inadvertently,
effortlessly.

no, for us,
each seed has to be planted
intentionally,
painstakingly,
tentatively.

every act, every interaction
can only exist as the product of
deliberation,
initiation,
intention.

we must will it to happen,
must engineer it out of a mutual desire.

we can't count on getting the least bit of help on this one.

i'm so distracted

and i so can't afford to be.

ahh. your fault
i blame you for not being able to focus on my work

ironically, you spoke those words to me but a week ago.

i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.
do you want me to feel this way again?
do you even realize you're eliciting these results?
your words and your feelings never were consistent,
or at least you tried to convince me they weren't.
but once again,
the calls, the songs, the words..

i want to believe.

it's a fact of life

a girl needs to be held.
and although he falls so short of you,

i've been feeling so alone
i keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head? i don't know what to think-

but.

this song reminded you of me
and you told me to pay attention to the words
and you pointed out that she didn't wait in vain-
he came.

was that an unspoken promise?
was that a subtle appeal?

that's all i'd need.

as told by interpretive dance

but your lonely nights have just begun,
when you love someone.
- bryan adams

the nights are always the hardest.
even if you're nowhere near a window,
the elucidating reach of the moon can always procure your very being
and proceed to cast its whole heart,
with its myriad of unspoken secrets, up on the walls,
showcasing every shadow in an interpretive dance.
and even if you can't understand the inky story being written out by gallivanting limbs,
there's no doubting its presence.
each movement catches your frenzied eye,
your frenzied heart,
as it dances before your eyes,
making sure its presence is known.

disconnect desired

i want to be selfish.
i want to sever all ties.
i want to forget.
i want to be all here.

you gonna be okay without me?

the thing is,
i'm ready.

i'm finally ready to let go of you.
but the thing is,
you're all intertwined,
smooshed, shuffled, inextricable
grains of sand
of every color and shade,
a fist full of my youth.
and when these hesitant fingers finally lift,
will the wind blow selectively
and painstakingly pick out one shade to carry away?
no, it must scatter all my colors.

and i must find a new pallet-
a new shade of blue for the sky,
a new shade of red on your lips,
a new shade of brown in my eyes,
and eventually, i'll see color everywhere.