breathe on me now

i'm calling
and waiting
Your presence Lord
is life to me

breathe on me now
as i bow down
i'm desperate Lord
for more of You

come satisfy
until i am
even more
in need of You

isaiah 65:1-2
"i revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; i was found by those who did not seek me. to a nation that did not call on my name, i said 'here am i, here am i.' all day long i have held out my hands to an obstinate people, who walk in ways not good, pursuing their own imaginations."

God, You are so good, so faithful. Lord, renew a faithfulness in my heart, renew my passion. let my passion be solid, unlike a bubble that grows and grows and becomes thinner and hollower. as i grow, keep refilling, keep pouring into me from the inside out so i can be solid. so no little thing, no arrows of doubt, no trinket or "treasure" from this world can burst my bubble. Lord, i want to seek You. but, i don't want to just want to seek You. no, i will seek You. Lord, let Your name be the only one on the tip of my tongue. Lord, i'm coming back. i'm coming back to Your open arms. Lord, there You are, there You have been, there You will be, with arms wide open and heart exposed. this is how i know what love is.

haikus are mad fun

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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i blinked

it's easy to be here.

it's easy to be there.

it's anticipating leaving one

for the other

that's tricky.

breaking and entering

she knew that it was only a matter of time before this reality waltzed out the front door and the memories starting creeping back in through her bedroom window.

one life to love

imported from facebook.

you only get just one time around,
you only get one shot at this.
one chance to find out
the one thing that you don't wanna miss.

one day when it's all said and done,
i hope you see that it was enough-
this one ride, one try, one life to love.

sigh, i feel myself drifting,
not into a familiar sedation
administered in the dark,
but simply, drifting.

i point my toes,
desperate for a reminder
that i'm still here.

but i glide by,
passing through hoops
without a hitch,
never once tripping,
never once tangling.

i want roots.
roots to trip over,
roots to tangle,
roots to secure me down.
and i'm not just talking geographical roots,
i want chronological roots.

i'm drifting.

i don't want to keep moving on.
i don't want to leave again.

i know,
i know.

whatever You're doing
inside of me,
it feels like chaos
but i'll believe.

something heavenly crashes over me,
and all i can do is surrender.

oh God.
come close and
hold my heart.

endurance

i'd rather be alone but have God.

you're not supposed to be able to hurt me anymore.

tripping on apples

i was sitting on my bed eating apple slices when i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. and then there i was. sitting in front of the mirror, eating apples. it was so strange. i felt so detached, like rather than a mirror, i was sitting in front of a window. i can't even really explain it. and so i turned my back to the mirror and looked out at the wall, looking through these eyes rather than at them. and even now as i type, i see my fingers, my forearms, sometimes i see my elbows, but my shoulders, that's a little trickier. but my face. we spend so much of our lives not seeing our face. sometimes maybe you glance down and catch a glimpse of your upper lip or the vague concept of a nose, but that's it. wow, i sound like i'm high or something. i'm not sure what i'm prattling on about. but i'm just in one of my "out-of-body" moods. where everything in the world feels like a mere triviality. eating seems strange. not eating, practicing "self-control" seems stranger. what's the point? then i began contemplating brushing my teeth and washing my face, and it all seemed so funny and unfamiliar. what's with all this maintenance we're doing? and relationships. even relationships, and i'm not talking Relationships, with a capital R, but moms, dads, best friends, summer crushes, acquaintances, just plain friends. the big rocks in my jar, the sun in my solar system. but yet. i feel like i'm this uninterested uninvolved third party member. that over there, that's me. and that person there is someone i love. it all feels so strange. i wonder if anyone ever gets this mood. that pile of material on my that chair, those are my clothes. i paid for them. why does everything feel so meaningless right now? this is so completely trippy. i'm running out of apples. here i am in shanghai. sitting on this bed. this room. but in 8 short little days, holy crap, i have but a week left, i'll be back in boston. i feel myself drifting. i want roots. i want to be rooted. and i'm not just talking geographical roots. i want chronological roots. i'm drifting.

so this is the new year.