look, sunshine

no bunnies just yet-

still working on that.

i really need to

give the sunshine & bunnies side of me more control of this blog, huh.

i feel like a little kid

who has eagerly & excitedly brought out all her favorite toys & little treasures to proudly display them for someone special only to have them say oh, cool & then have to not only carefully return them all to where they belong but have to do it with them watching.

i should know better.

stupid toys.

"how've you been these days?"

whenever i hear that question,
anything really with "these days" in that context
i always answer only with what i did today, yesterday at most.

usually, mostly, consciously, in the past
it's because "these days" is so vast, i wouldn't know where to start,
not to mention i don't remember it all off the top of my head.

but i was thinking about it today when you asked me,
of course you're the one who triggered these thoughts, these words.

here's my theory, and i kind of hope i'm wrong:
if someone really cared about how i was "these days"
they would have asked me on those days.

we live in such a tech savvy age that there's no real excuse for not asking other than a lack of interest.

and i know this applies to me, too. and i guess that's why i do think it's true. because when i really examine my life and my interactions and my relationships..

well, except for the cases where i do care,
i care so much, but i'm afraid to let the other person know i care,
afraid to come on too strong, afraid to annoy,
afraid of an uninterested answer,
afraid

so i don't ask.

but that's not why you haven't asked.
and so that's why i can only let myself tell you what i ate for breakfast today.

not because i don't care to tell you,
not because i feel like you don't "deserve" to know,
but simply because i'm so afraid that you don't care to know-
it's insecurity, you see.

a passionate person

fueled by love is a force that no one can defeat.

and we know it's never simple,

never easy.

how ironic,
you keep popping in & out of my life-
gopher.

good.
great.
super.
is that what you wanted to hear?

goodness,
passive aggressive, much?
le'sigh.

i feel so

homesick.

except, how can it possibly be homesickness when i am home.
and no, it's not a matter of oh, what is home? which home am i sick for?
i'm homesick for shanghai.

it's okay, it doesn't make sense to me either.

i'm so desperately, heartachingly homesick
for where i am.

being away from shanghai for ten months
makes the two months i do get to be here so
lonely.

and the thing is,
even if i decided to take a year off and move back to shanghai,
maybe get a job, maybe work with the youth group,
it still wouldn't be the same-
i've already left.

what's that saying?
you never step foot in the same river twice?
i already stepped out of the river that everyone is still standing in,
the river i stood in for eight years.

if i could, i would honestly go back to my senior year of high school.
is it absurd that i miss high school?
college is supposed to be the best years of your life,
but senior year was filled with all the right people and all the right memories.

i miss going to soar.
i miss going to SAS.
i miss going on retreats.
i miss going on APAC.
i miss going home every day.

i want so desperately for this to be my world again.

i guess i'm not so good with moving forward,
moving on,
moving.

happy new year.