a hollow chocolate bunny

today i feel nothing but lack.
if i even feel at all.

a lack of everything and anything-
of passion and purpose
of fire and fancy
of heart and hustle

i feel like a shell.

i am a shell.

a shell composed entirely of pixels and calories-
chocolate calories.

all time low, much?

i don't even know what to say.
i just feel empty.

and sad.

do i feel so invincible, so immortal that i don't even flinch when i waste an entire day of my life? today is a day i will never get back. ever. april 18, 2009. i did nothing with it. absolutely freaking nothing. i don't think i've ever wasted a day so entirely in my life. never have i gone an entire day without speaking a single word. what if i've forgotten how to speak? never have i gone an entire day without breathing the same air as someone else. but today, i managed to do all that, on my bed, in my pjs, behind locked doors. nobody saw me. i saw nobody.

i try to make a point of being seen. sometimes when i'm out, i'll buy a juice even though i'm not thirsty. if the store is crowded i'll even go so far as dropping my change all over the floor, the nickels and dimes skidding in every direction. i'll get on my knees. it's a big effort for me to get down on my knees, and an even bigger effort to get up. and yet. maybe i look like a fool.

all i want is not to die on a day when i went unseen.
- nicole krauss, the history of love

i feel like something's died inside of me,
but i can't think of any reason it would.

i'm just tired all the time. worn out.
and my light just keeps fading dimmer and dimmer.

God, what's wrong with me?

all i know is,
today really wouldn't be a good day to die.

so, this is what cobwebs feel like.

i've never felt this way before-
this disgusting,
this heavy,
this burdened,
this pathetic,
this dirty,
this despicable,
this unworthy.

God, how could i do this to You.
to live so purposelessly, so aimlessly, so idly.
where is the victory in my life?
You conquered the grave and here i am still wallowing in the dirt.
i just. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm just upset with myself.
for letting these things get a hold on me, on my soul.
pounds of chocolate.
buffy the vampire slayer-
endless hours of buffy.
neopets games and free cell.

what am i running from, why do i feel the need to drown myself in these cheap sources of numb inebriation?

day after day, i sit on my bed, lie on my bed propped on my elbows as two o'clock becomes five, becomes eleven, becomes two again. i haven't touched my camera since spring break. i've been skipping classes. i've been having nightmares of demons and vampires every time i close my eyes. i've sinned. i've lusted. i've craved. i've relented. God. this is wrong. i can tell. i haven't spent time playing guitar. i haven't even been out to davis, taking a walk in the sun. i haven't been reading all the new books i bought. i haven't cracked open Your word. all these things that i love. some even my passion in life. something is wrong. something is very wrong, God. i'm aware of this. and i'm scared. i feel dusty and cob webby. i've been so sucked into the world of buffy and her demons that i've forgotten about the demons in our world and i've let them get a hold of me. i can tell. God. save me. i need You. i need You so bad. make me brand spankin' new (again).

so curious.

stop assuming-
not everything is about him.

here is a trustworthy saying

that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-
of whom I am the worst.
- 1 timothy 1:15

God. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i hate that i'm like this. i wish it had never happened. i wish i had never known. i wish i didn't desire it. i hate that i give in. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i keep trampling underfoot Your gift of grace. oh God. help me. how can i do this to You. to him. to myself. i'm sorry. i always am afterwards. but i do it anyway. i'm sorry. this is despicable. what will it take? if i say never again, will that be enough? what will i have to lose? what would have to be on the line before i can stop? God, i need You, need Your help, i can't do this myself.

bring me back to the place
of forgive and grace.

this is my life in black & white

this is my life in technicolor.

i'm a little bit smitten tonight.
a little bit melt-y around the edges.
oh baby, one-hit k.o.

do you remember

all those sleepless nights scrolling through pages of icons and quotes, looking for a glimmer of your heart in them. do you remember the songs, the anthems, the lullabies that your heart hummed along to. do you remember the faces that were so beautiful in your eyes. do you remember the particular stars that you stretched out your arms for, the ones you touched &the ones that were light years away. do you remember the exact shade of gold the world took on when life swept you off your feet. do you remember the number of pieces your heart lay in, shattered on the floor beneath your desk the nights you cried. do you remember the prayers that tumbled out from between your lips as you learned to walk with Him.

of course i remember.
all i can do
is remember.