can you feel the love

tonight.

at the comedy club performance tonight, i listened as upperclassmen cheered each other on, whooped, and declared their love to their performing classmates. it feels a life time away right now as we're bustling around picking up and dropping names like they're a dime a dozen, no even that is giving it too much credit, more like a nickel, less, hardly two pennies to rub together. well, at least i finally met you.

and you called me back, which was a super nice surprise. always surprising me. call-waiting is my hero. no way. that was only 18 minutes? it felt like so much longer.

and i get to see my mommy and daddy tomorrow. god, how i love them--enough to get up early even.

learning to wait

those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. isaiah 40:31 (nkjv)

i closed my eyes as i listened to those familiar words and i could feel warmth coursing through my body.

i closed my eyes and saw the vibrant colors of the mural on the back wall. i saw the lake at aurora. i saw hands lifted in the dark, silhouettes of surrendered passion. i saw jostling and mouths opening in laughter. but in the verse itself, i saw something i never noticed before.

it doesn't say, "those who wait on the lord shall.."
"receive whatever they want," not even "whatever they need."
"feel their burdens instantly lifted."
"be rescued without any further ado."

sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.

the storm may not have ceased
the burdens may not have evaporated
we may still be trudging along
but instead, He provides us strength to keep trudging on,
strength to keep bearing our burdens,
strength to weather the storm,
strength to run,
strength to walk,
strength to finish.

la. la. laaaaa.

my emotions are so fickle.
up.
down.
uuuupp.
down.
my inner child is having way too much fun on that see-saw.

up :)
like the corners of my mouth.

that was fun.
harrowing.
intimidating.
at times awkward.
but fun.
and you promised you'd call again later.
you had a presence and a ease in that conversation that was refreshing.
things aren't as cryptic with you beyond the unspoken essential-
are the feelings mutual?

whooosh

that's the sound of the fall.
or the sound of the savior that sweeps in and grabs me by the waist moments before i crash.

i'm doing it again-
that thing where i try to see how long i can go without checking my phone
in order to preserve myself from the pangs of frequent disappointment
but where my plan backfires is that the anticipation builds up,
takes me higher
and i have a longer way down

i definitely jumped the gun.

sigh

maybe i jumped the gun
maybe i came on too strong
i'm praying for God to prompt you.
i'm staring down my phone, willing it to ring.
i feel the same nothingness that i feel when i try to will my ears to wiggle
what part of your brain is it in anyway?
do i know you well enough to warrant missing you already?

12:09 am
exactly 48 hours since that first text
i still wonder why
was it on a whim
were you bored
why'd you think to text me
why do i keep putting myself in this position
why do i get attached so easily
the letdown is not always beautiful :(

you're weird, but i like it

you've reduced me to this:
:)

first you surprised me with a text
you, who don't text

and then you showed me that i was right
we are kind of perfect together
and you gave us the chance to find out

man, i'm still kind of in shock
that we even had that conversation
that that was you on the other end

i mean i felt it in my gut that we'd be good together
but now i have the texts in my inbox to prove it

well atleast we have the randomly imaginary sillyness conversation necessity down
now all that's left is the deep poetic side
and i'd like to figure out if you'll get my song lyric references that i love to sprinkle in

this post has been so verbosely lacking in so many aspects
but i don't even care

my words are yours tonight.

wisteria

talking to you is dangerous
it gets me all worked up in wisteria
no, not the pretty purple flowers,
but a concoction of wistfulness and hysteria.

you pull me back from the joys i find in my here and now
and you remind me of the girl i was by simply having known her
not just her face, her name, or the sound of her voice
i always say this, but i truly feel that you knew my inner workings
you understood what made me tick and what made me talk
you could even predict what i'd say
you understood the things that tugged on my heart strings
and you knew what that felt like to have your heartstrings yanked on
you saw the depths of how i felt things
you understood my tangents-
the deep lyrical ones and the silly play ones alike
maybe i give you too much credit,
but you knew me like no one else

the funny thing with relationships
is you start out invisible to the other person
then you get noticed and upgrade to being opaque- you exist to them
but with time, you become transparent again
though this time, it's a good transparent
they can see right through you,
not all the way through like the original state,
but through, to the very essence of you.

stumped

what do guys want to hear after they tell you you're beautiful?
what's the right response? what reply would make their risk worth it?

i mean it is kind of a risk.
it's the kind of words that after sent out, you hold your breath until you get a reply, playing back your reasons for making the admittance, toying with regret, evaluating this fresh position of vulnerability you've put yourself in

i'm never good at returning compliments because i feel so awkward and,
well just plain awkward,
so much so that even if my compliment is genuine it comes out really awkward and forced

i'm the most awkward recipient of a compliment you'll ever meet.
and that's a fact.

but
beautiful
i've always loved that word
<3

i wish you were here

i've seen your act
& i know all the facts
i'm still in love with who i wish you were

a screeching halt

that wasn't fair of you.

and even though a secret part of me probably wanted you to do this
what i didn't know wouldn't have hurt me.

you didn't have to remind me
how this felt one year six months ago, i know
i cannot forget. i cannot forget.
i guess it was nice knowing that you hadn't forgotten either

but i was trying to
at least forget enough to make things easier
sigh
maybe we'll forget
we're both trying to a little
i know it

but you wanna know something else,
i hope we don't forget.

onward, ho!

god, i feel loved.
oh charles :)
i'm excited to see you too.

i really do have a lot to look forward to.
the most immediate might be friday
with its possibility of ultimate frisbee
and at the very least,
i'll get to satisfy both my strange and my more understandable fixations.
and once again on sunday, followed by dinner with a different set of fixations from a different time and place

and then when i get to boston
there'll be all that new-ness!
and even more than that,
there'll be people from my past, "familiar faces" who i may have known briefly and loved, who will hopefully take on larger roles in my future,
people with whom distance no longer plays a factor :)
i can't really capture that
that
this is so incredibly frustrating
i've been lying on my back staring at the ceiling trying to coax the right words out for quite some time now
yet they just won't surrender and assemble like good little soldiers to tell of these
pseudo "old friends"
i mean, technically,
we were never really friends
we knew each other for but a week, a weekend, three and a half weeks
and it wasn't even that we were the best of friends during that period
there was a general air of aloofness
but emotional attachments somehow caught into the fabric of our souls
we would've been friends given time, i know it
but we never got the chance to
but now we actually have the chance to become friends in its truest sense
go out and goof off together
celebrate birthdays and grab bites together
or so i hope.

appreciation for a prelude

i could really get used to this.
what better way to end a day than curled up in bed with a book eating out of a can of o' spaghettios, with sliced franks of course.
and the day in itself,
:)

mind you it's only a temporary life, with a temporary crowd
the permanent fixtures are yet to come in
but i'm happy.

i'm starting to feel comfortable around them
the sillyness and teasing have kicked in
you of all people have even started being warm towards me

it looks like i'm doing it,
i'm moving on.

and this is just the prelude
oh, how i can't wait to hear the rest of the song
to know the words by heart
and even if it starts out kind of slow
i'm ready for it
and we'll get to the chorus soon enough :)

a thousand times

i've failed.
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
still i'm caught in Your grace

God, i'm trying
please believe me, i am

lift me up Lord,
let me no longer walk amongst the world
trampling underfoot Your gift of grace

no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. and God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. but when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you may stand up from under it.
1 corinthians 10:13 (from memory)

You promised.
it's in Your word,
and all scripture is God breathed.
i wrote it in my heart
i called upon it in my time of weakness
why then, did the devil not relent
why was i the one to yield?

Lord, let me feel Your sweet breath as You tickle my ear with Your whispered promises in my darkness

and once again, i proclaim
never again.

far from reticent

him,
you,
who?

i have a million and one thoughts as i find myself back home
home?
where?

thoughts of the cottage
of you not being able to eat your corn off the cob because you lost your front teeth and the new ones haven't grown in yet
of you and your little hands that always managed to find mine
of your ridiculous unprecedented pickyness
of you calling me s-woman to your e-man and when i pointed out i had no s in my name, you informed me that the s was found in "sister debra"
of your tendency to call me "sister barbara" on occasions and the tinge of annoyance it bred
of eight year old crushes that weren't even bothered to be hidden

thoughts of camp
His faithfulness yesterday, today, forever
His reminder that sure, i'm faced with a new beginning and i can make anything of myself without expectations holding me back, but to what end?
for a smile from God, i'd forsake it all
i do want to live for Him, and recreate that reputation at tufts

thoughts of him
which?
him who always made a point to say hi to me by name when no one else talked to me
you have no idea how much it meant to me
him who i think we'd be perfect together, but you'll never get a chance to find out
when will we even get a chance to talk?
if only you could've been there this period
if only you could've been that him who said my name
him who, what do i even say about you?
give me a reason to hold on

thoughts of tufts
i got back and awaiting me on my facebook was a friend request from my roommate
she seems to have an aptitude for appreciating life too

thoughts of shanghai
i'm jealous
immeasurably jealous
i envy soar
for it gets you
i envy you
for you get soar
and i'm almost afraid of how my heart will react come october retreat and i see those pictures
memoranda testifying that i wasn't there
i'll see beloved smiles and know that i wasn't the reason
it hurts even now
thinking about it

life is all memory

imported from facebook.



except for the one present moment that goes by you so quick
you hardly catch it going.