far from reticent

him,
you,
who?

i have a million and one thoughts as i find myself back home
home?
where?

thoughts of the cottage
of you not being able to eat your corn off the cob because you lost your front teeth and the new ones haven't grown in yet
of you and your little hands that always managed to find mine
of your ridiculous unprecedented pickyness
of you calling me s-woman to your e-man and when i pointed out i had no s in my name, you informed me that the s was found in "sister debra"
of your tendency to call me "sister barbara" on occasions and the tinge of annoyance it bred
of eight year old crushes that weren't even bothered to be hidden

thoughts of camp
His faithfulness yesterday, today, forever
His reminder that sure, i'm faced with a new beginning and i can make anything of myself without expectations holding me back, but to what end?
for a smile from God, i'd forsake it all
i do want to live for Him, and recreate that reputation at tufts

thoughts of him
which?
him who always made a point to say hi to me by name when no one else talked to me
you have no idea how much it meant to me
him who i think we'd be perfect together, but you'll never get a chance to find out
when will we even get a chance to talk?
if only you could've been there this period
if only you could've been that him who said my name
him who, what do i even say about you?
give me a reason to hold on

thoughts of tufts
i got back and awaiting me on my facebook was a friend request from my roommate
she seems to have an aptitude for appreciating life too

thoughts of shanghai
i'm jealous
immeasurably jealous
i envy soar
for it gets you
i envy you
for you get soar
and i'm almost afraid of how my heart will react come october retreat and i see those pictures
memoranda testifying that i wasn't there
i'll see beloved smiles and know that i wasn't the reason
it hurts even now
thinking about it