so, this is what cobwebs feel like.

i've never felt this way before-
this disgusting,
this heavy,
this burdened,
this pathetic,
this dirty,
this despicable,
this unworthy.

God, how could i do this to You.
to live so purposelessly, so aimlessly, so idly.
where is the victory in my life?
You conquered the grave and here i am still wallowing in the dirt.
i just. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm just upset with myself.
for letting these things get a hold on me, on my soul.
pounds of chocolate.
buffy the vampire slayer-
endless hours of buffy.
neopets games and free cell.

what am i running from, why do i feel the need to drown myself in these cheap sources of numb inebriation?

day after day, i sit on my bed, lie on my bed propped on my elbows as two o'clock becomes five, becomes eleven, becomes two again. i haven't touched my camera since spring break. i've been skipping classes. i've been having nightmares of demons and vampires every time i close my eyes. i've sinned. i've lusted. i've craved. i've relented. God. this is wrong. i can tell. i haven't spent time playing guitar. i haven't even been out to davis, taking a walk in the sun. i haven't been reading all the new books i bought. i haven't cracked open Your word. all these things that i love. some even my passion in life. something is wrong. something is very wrong, God. i'm aware of this. and i'm scared. i feel dusty and cob webby. i've been so sucked into the world of buffy and her demons that i've forgotten about the demons in our world and i've let them get a hold of me. i can tell. God. save me. i need You. i need You so bad. make me brand spankin' new (again).