a hollow chocolate bunny

today i feel nothing but lack.
if i even feel at all.

a lack of everything and anything-
of passion and purpose
of fire and fancy
of heart and hustle

i feel like a shell.

i am a shell.

a shell composed entirely of pixels and calories-
chocolate calories.

all time low, much?

i don't even know what to say.
i just feel empty.

and sad.

do i feel so invincible, so immortal that i don't even flinch when i waste an entire day of my life? today is a day i will never get back. ever. april 18, 2009. i did nothing with it. absolutely freaking nothing. i don't think i've ever wasted a day so entirely in my life. never have i gone an entire day without speaking a single word. what if i've forgotten how to speak? never have i gone an entire day without breathing the same air as someone else. but today, i managed to do all that, on my bed, in my pjs, behind locked doors. nobody saw me. i saw nobody.

i try to make a point of being seen. sometimes when i'm out, i'll buy a juice even though i'm not thirsty. if the store is crowded i'll even go so far as dropping my change all over the floor, the nickels and dimes skidding in every direction. i'll get on my knees. it's a big effort for me to get down on my knees, and an even bigger effort to get up. and yet. maybe i look like a fool.

all i want is not to die on a day when i went unseen.
- nicole krauss, the history of love

i feel like something's died inside of me,
but i can't think of any reason it would.

i'm just tired all the time. worn out.
and my light just keeps fading dimmer and dimmer.

God, what's wrong with me?

all i know is,
today really wouldn't be a good day to die.