history sucks

and i've finally figured out why.

it's because people only ever really feel like writing or journaling or recording events when things absolutely, positively BLOW. most people, myself included, don't feel like sitting ourselves down, quieting our hearts, and writing a few words when our hearts are BURSTING with joy, when we feel satisfied or content with the little things, when we're over-awed with beauty, when we're just happy to be alive and living that one moment. those moments speak for themselves and we don't want to undermine them with our words so we keep quiet and simply revel in them. while when we're overcome with sadness the darkness eats away at us and we try so desperately to find the words to bind the darkness, to contain it, stop it from seeping into everything we own. if anyone were to read my blogs, my diaries, it would seem like my life was very dreadful indeed. i fill pages with heartache and stuck in the cracks of all the brokenness, there is the occasional page with a huge smiley face scrawled in there- because in that moment of joy, that's all i could say without delimiting the bliss i was feeling.

and all those characters in our history books, all we ever read about are wars and tariffs and riots and other unpleasantries because no one bothers to write about the days when they sat under their favorite tree with the sun streaming down on them and they just felt peace and joy, or how blessed they felt sitting down at breakfast with people they loved eating their favorite foods in the whole world, or the presents they got for their birthdays or the surprise birthday banquets they were thrown by their best buddies. happy memories die with you, but sad memories brood in dusty pages waiting to be read.

i've been happy. i've been sad. last night i sat in the midst of all my boxes and dust and luggage and unpacked junk at five in the morning and just cried. but today is sunshine.

sunshine is also like jesus. it helps me love people better, love them more.

so ten boxes become sixteen and my crap is still all over my floor.
asdf, back to it.