homesick.
except, how can it possibly be homesickness when i am home.
and no, it's not a matter of oh, what is home? which home am i sick for?
i'm homesick for shanghai.
it's okay, it doesn't make sense to me either.
i'm so desperately, heartachingly homesick
for where i am.
being away from shanghai for ten months
makes the two months i do get to be here so
lonely.
and the thing is,
even if i decided to take a year off and move back to shanghai,
maybe get a job, maybe work with the youth group,
it still wouldn't be the same-
i've already left.
what's that saying?
you never step foot in the same river twice?
i already stepped out of the river that everyone is still standing in,
the river i stood in for eight years.
if i could, i would honestly go back to my senior year of high school.
is it absurd that i miss high school?
college is supposed to be the best years of your life,
but senior year was filled with all the right people and all the right memories.
i miss going to soar.
i miss going to SAS.
i miss going on retreats.
i miss going on APAC.
i miss going home every day.
i want so desperately for this to be my world again.
i guess i'm not so good with moving forward,
moving on,
moving.
happy new year.
Friday, January 1, 2010
i feel so
from the fingertips of d li at 9:30 PM
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1 comments:
debs <3 :( i know how you feel...
or for me it's more like... i'm scared to love shanghai (+all people/things attached to it) again because i can feel everyone moving on around me, and it seems like they're moving on so fast that i'm like ahh, i need to move on too so that i won't be the only one left still standing here and clinging on to the world i love so much.
and.. moving on is so, so hard.
but remember that no matter what changes, no matter how much you wish you could step back in this river but find over and over again that you can't,
He DOESN'T change.
you can't have the same river but you do, still and always, have the same source of living water, stream of living water and STREAM OF LIFE for you to dip your heart back into when you don't know where it belongs.
and i am 100000% sure of this, that shanghai may have held all the right people and moments and memories in your senior year, but right now God is using YOU to be one of those "right people" in so many others' lives at tufts. and just. ahh. i dno how to express this! it's like i miss shanghai so much and wish i could be back in that familiar old comfortable love-filled place, but when God is like hey, don't worry about missing all the <3ness of home, just go and give and love on the people around you right here, wherever you are, be all there... then the focus changes. and it becomes exciting. He's doing new things! better things, as hard and impossible as it seems. He's growing bones in you and if you went back to high school it would just be like you were a blob of only flesh and skin foreverr
ahh or i dno it's sad. because you don't want to move on but then you HAVE to. but at the same time it's that painful awareness of how quickly things are passing, and how fleeting life is, that helps you to make the moments you're living right now so very golden. well maybe they don't look golden yet because you're still like shanghai is over nooo, and tufts is just like eh you're in the middle, but then you know that before you know it college will pass too and then it'll be tufts or princeton or wherever that was so golden and beautiful and fleeting and fast... so we have to live fully in it while we can!
wah this is so disjointed... i dno i just wanted to say i know how you're feeling dear, and my heart is so flustered and unsettled by the uncertainties of shanghai and home and all this al;kdfjl;kj but may you hold on to Him, and his peace which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind, and keep them solid and warm and full and just at home, really home, in Him...
love you debs i'm praying for you <3
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