tripping on apples

i was sitting on my bed eating apple slices when i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. and then there i was. sitting in front of the mirror, eating apples. it was so strange. i felt so detached, like rather than a mirror, i was sitting in front of a window. i can't even really explain it. and so i turned my back to the mirror and looked out at the wall, looking through these eyes rather than at them. and even now as i type, i see my fingers, my forearms, sometimes i see my elbows, but my shoulders, that's a little trickier. but my face. we spend so much of our lives not seeing our face. sometimes maybe you glance down and catch a glimpse of your upper lip or the vague concept of a nose, but that's it. wow, i sound like i'm high or something. i'm not sure what i'm prattling on about. but i'm just in one of my "out-of-body" moods. where everything in the world feels like a mere triviality. eating seems strange. not eating, practicing "self-control" seems stranger. what's the point? then i began contemplating brushing my teeth and washing my face, and it all seemed so funny and unfamiliar. what's with all this maintenance we're doing? and relationships. even relationships, and i'm not talking Relationships, with a capital R, but moms, dads, best friends, summer crushes, acquaintances, just plain friends. the big rocks in my jar, the sun in my solar system. but yet. i feel like i'm this uninterested uninvolved third party member. that over there, that's me. and that person there is someone i love. it all feels so strange. i wonder if anyone ever gets this mood. that pile of material on my that chair, those are my clothes. i paid for them. why does everything feel so meaningless right now? this is so completely trippy. i'm running out of apples. here i am in shanghai. sitting on this bed. this room. but in 8 short little days, holy crap, i have but a week left, i'll be back in boston. i feel myself drifting. i want roots. i want to be rooted. and i'm not just talking geographical roots. i want chronological roots. i'm drifting.

so this is the new year.