priorities

for the first time in my life,

i think i've finally got all my ducks in a row.

there's no boy in the world i love more than my God.

and the truth is,

i would rather be alone, but have God.

and as paradoxical as it may seem,

one day, when i find the boy i'm going to marry,

he's also going to rather be alone, but have God.

jesus, You are everything.

You are my one desire,

the first and foremost love of my life.

& i'm ever, always, all for thee.

and even if you want me to be single for the rest of my life,

for the first time in my life,

i'm able to say,

blessed be Your name,

and feel completely at peace about it.

just as long as it means i have You.

and after You,

there's my parents.

i love them more than words could ever express.

and i get so scared because i know that one day i'm going to lose them and i don't think my heart would be able to handle it. the price of love is the pain of death. i remember that quote from that research paper i did on coping with grief back in the day. ah man, but that's exactly what it is, this ever pervasive sense of other side-ness. in that moment, that paper was my reality, it was then and it felt like it would never pass. even my papers just recently for intro to child development and childhood across cultures. or looking forward to shanghai. or waiting to hear from tufts. or prom. or pilgrim camp. or that weekend my dad visited. in the moment, that's all you know. even now, sitting in this rented living room on the 5th floor in the semi-dark, with the phone ringing and "be kind rewind" paused as i write this. this is my moment in time. and i feel like i have a good hold on it, but i'm going to wake up in boston before i know it and my parents won't be just downstairs. and i'll be starting my spring courses. and. ah God. i can't even describe this feeling. this sadness. this anxiety. this. this.. i don't want the next moment. i don't want to lose my parents. ever. and i know i know, there's heaven. but. i want them here, with me. i want to hug them and hold their hands and have conversations with them. but as morbid as it may seem, one day i'm going to be at their funerals, wondering where all the time went.

God, hold us.

please.