a hollow chocolate bunny

today i feel nothing but lack.
if i even feel at all.

a lack of everything and anything-
of passion and purpose
of fire and fancy
of heart and hustle

i feel like a shell.

i am a shell.

a shell composed entirely of pixels and calories-
chocolate calories.

all time low, much?

i don't even know what to say.
i just feel empty.

and sad.

do i feel so invincible, so immortal that i don't even flinch when i waste an entire day of my life? today is a day i will never get back. ever. april 18, 2009. i did nothing with it. absolutely freaking nothing. i don't think i've ever wasted a day so entirely in my life. never have i gone an entire day without speaking a single word. what if i've forgotten how to speak? never have i gone an entire day without breathing the same air as someone else. but today, i managed to do all that, on my bed, in my pjs, behind locked doors. nobody saw me. i saw nobody.

i try to make a point of being seen. sometimes when i'm out, i'll buy a juice even though i'm not thirsty. if the store is crowded i'll even go so far as dropping my change all over the floor, the nickels and dimes skidding in every direction. i'll get on my knees. it's a big effort for me to get down on my knees, and an even bigger effort to get up. and yet. maybe i look like a fool.

all i want is not to die on a day when i went unseen.
- nicole krauss, the history of love

i feel like something's died inside of me,
but i can't think of any reason it would.

i'm just tired all the time. worn out.
and my light just keeps fading dimmer and dimmer.

God, what's wrong with me?

all i know is,
today really wouldn't be a good day to die.

so, this is what cobwebs feel like.

i've never felt this way before-
this disgusting,
this heavy,
this burdened,
this pathetic,
this dirty,
this despicable,
this unworthy.

God, how could i do this to You.
to live so purposelessly, so aimlessly, so idly.
where is the victory in my life?
You conquered the grave and here i am still wallowing in the dirt.
i just. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm just upset with myself.
for letting these things get a hold on me, on my soul.
pounds of chocolate.
buffy the vampire slayer-
endless hours of buffy.
neopets games and free cell.

what am i running from, why do i feel the need to drown myself in these cheap sources of numb inebriation?

day after day, i sit on my bed, lie on my bed propped on my elbows as two o'clock becomes five, becomes eleven, becomes two again. i haven't touched my camera since spring break. i've been skipping classes. i've been having nightmares of demons and vampires every time i close my eyes. i've sinned. i've lusted. i've craved. i've relented. God. this is wrong. i can tell. i haven't spent time playing guitar. i haven't even been out to davis, taking a walk in the sun. i haven't been reading all the new books i bought. i haven't cracked open Your word. all these things that i love. some even my passion in life. something is wrong. something is very wrong, God. i'm aware of this. and i'm scared. i feel dusty and cob webby. i've been so sucked into the world of buffy and her demons that i've forgotten about the demons in our world and i've let them get a hold of me. i can tell. God. save me. i need You. i need You so bad. make me brand spankin' new (again).

so curious.

stop assuming-
not everything is about him.

here is a trustworthy saying

that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-
of whom I am the worst.
- 1 timothy 1:15

God. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i hate that i'm like this. i wish it had never happened. i wish i had never known. i wish i didn't desire it. i hate that i give in. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i keep trampling underfoot Your gift of grace. oh God. help me. how can i do this to You. to him. to myself. i'm sorry. i always am afterwards. but i do it anyway. i'm sorry. this is despicable. what will it take? if i say never again, will that be enough? what will i have to lose? what would have to be on the line before i can stop? God, i need You, need Your help, i can't do this myself.

bring me back to the place
of forgive and grace.

this is my life in black & white

this is my life in technicolor.

i'm a little bit smitten tonight.
a little bit melt-y around the edges.
oh baby, one-hit k.o.

do you remember

all those sleepless nights scrolling through pages of icons and quotes, looking for a glimmer of your heart in them. do you remember the songs, the anthems, the lullabies that your heart hummed along to. do you remember the faces that were so beautiful in your eyes. do you remember the particular stars that you stretched out your arms for, the ones you touched &the ones that were light years away. do you remember the exact shade of gold the world took on when life swept you off your feet. do you remember the number of pieces your heart lay in, shattered on the floor beneath your desk the nights you cried. do you remember the prayers that tumbled out from between your lips as you learned to walk with Him.

of course i remember.
all i can do
is remember.

i finally have a toothpaste preference

colgate > crest.

and this is a monumental change in mindset
since i'd always considered the two interchangeable.

but there is such a fundamental difference,
a risk factor that i'm unwilling to take-
the twisty cap,
oh, how much grief you cause me.
i just don't have enough hands when i'm brushing my teeth to maneuver the twisty cap. so i end up not recapping it, because it is such a hassle, and then the toothpaste dries out and it's such a hard time squeezing it out and it's all clogged up and hardened and gross. grief, i tell you. grief.

and with crest, the chance of a twisty cap,
is just a risk i'm not willing to take.

the twisty cap and the flippy cap make all the difference.

and i stand in awe of You

imported from facebook.

each grain of sand is a tiny work of art



and i'll let my words be few,
jesus, i am so in love with You

ah! except i do have to say a few words.
they may end up just being unintelligible utterances of awe
but we'll see.

it just blows my mind that each one of those,
that pretty blue spirally thing,
is a grain of sand- a grain!

God. wow. just.
wow.

how could You possibly not be good,
how could You possibly not be beautiful,
when You've made even a grain of sand so beautiful.

this is how much You love us,
how much You love the world,
that You would put so much care and love and beauty
into something we can't even see.

unlike a sunset or a rainbow,
those brilliant displays that we "oo" and "ah" over,
our eyes can't even see this and we wouldn't know the difference if they weren't each perfectly crafted.

after all, we just stick our toes in it, and kick it around,
and lie on top of it as we stare up at the obvious beauties suspended in the sky-
the stars, the sun, the colors, the clouds.

but this. this is purely because You love us,
and You wanted everything to be perfect.
wow

ah but there's more!
today in bio anthro we talked about how
humans aren't even remotely the best at anything-
not speed, not acute vision, not strength, not hearing.
but the one thing we do have is the the best color vision on the planet-
we can see more than 60 million different hues.

personally, i'm so glad and thankful and just plain love
that He chose that one for us ♥

to Him alone who does great wonders

imported from facebook.

His love endures forever

who by His understanding made the heavens
His love endures forever

who spread out the earth upon the waters
His love endures forever

who made the great lights-
His love endures forever

the sun to govern the day
His love endures forever

the moon and stars to govern the night
His love endures forever

psalm 136:4-9



He reigns-
from each glistening drop of morning dew to the twinkle of every star.
from each blade of grass to each wisp of cloud.

and every moment is filled with His glory.
look out for it :)

He has made everything

beautiful
in its time.



























He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;

yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
- ecclesiastes 3:11

just as a sunset in all its majestic hues sets the sky ablaze only at a certain time each day, so does our hearts wait for His touch of love and passion. and just like the pastels of dawn and the golden noon, all the rest of the day isn't any less beautiful ♥

so i wait for You. so i wait for You.
i'm falling on my knees, offering all of me-
jesus, You're all this heart is living for.