tripping on apples

i was sitting on my bed eating apple slices when i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. and then there i was. sitting in front of the mirror, eating apples. it was so strange. i felt so detached, like rather than a mirror, i was sitting in front of a window. i can't even really explain it. and so i turned my back to the mirror and looked out at the wall, looking through these eyes rather than at them. and even now as i type, i see my fingers, my forearms, sometimes i see my elbows, but my shoulders, that's a little trickier. but my face. we spend so much of our lives not seeing our face. sometimes maybe you glance down and catch a glimpse of your upper lip or the vague concept of a nose, but that's it. wow, i sound like i'm high or something. i'm not sure what i'm prattling on about. but i'm just in one of my "out-of-body" moods. where everything in the world feels like a mere triviality. eating seems strange. not eating, practicing "self-control" seems stranger. what's the point? then i began contemplating brushing my teeth and washing my face, and it all seemed so funny and unfamiliar. what's with all this maintenance we're doing? and relationships. even relationships, and i'm not talking Relationships, with a capital R, but moms, dads, best friends, summer crushes, acquaintances, just plain friends. the big rocks in my jar, the sun in my solar system. but yet. i feel like i'm this uninterested uninvolved third party member. that over there, that's me. and that person there is someone i love. it all feels so strange. i wonder if anyone ever gets this mood. that pile of material on my that chair, those are my clothes. i paid for them. why does everything feel so meaningless right now? this is so completely trippy. i'm running out of apples. here i am in shanghai. sitting on this bed. this room. but in 8 short little days, holy crap, i have but a week left, i'll be back in boston. i feel myself drifting. i want roots. i want to be rooted. and i'm not just talking geographical roots. i want chronological roots. i'm drifting.

so this is the new year.

priorities

for the first time in my life,

i think i've finally got all my ducks in a row.

there's no boy in the world i love more than my God.

and the truth is,

i would rather be alone, but have God.

and as paradoxical as it may seem,

one day, when i find the boy i'm going to marry,

he's also going to rather be alone, but have God.

jesus, You are everything.

You are my one desire,

the first and foremost love of my life.

& i'm ever, always, all for thee.

and even if you want me to be single for the rest of my life,

for the first time in my life,

i'm able to say,

blessed be Your name,

and feel completely at peace about it.

just as long as it means i have You.

and after You,

there's my parents.

i love them more than words could ever express.

and i get so scared because i know that one day i'm going to lose them and i don't think my heart would be able to handle it. the price of love is the pain of death. i remember that quote from that research paper i did on coping with grief back in the day. ah man, but that's exactly what it is, this ever pervasive sense of other side-ness. in that moment, that paper was my reality, it was then and it felt like it would never pass. even my papers just recently for intro to child development and childhood across cultures. or looking forward to shanghai. or waiting to hear from tufts. or prom. or pilgrim camp. or that weekend my dad visited. in the moment, that's all you know. even now, sitting in this rented living room on the 5th floor in the semi-dark, with the phone ringing and "be kind rewind" paused as i write this. this is my moment in time. and i feel like i have a good hold on it, but i'm going to wake up in boston before i know it and my parents won't be just downstairs. and i'll be starting my spring courses. and. ah God. i can't even describe this feeling. this sadness. this anxiety. this. this.. i don't want the next moment. i don't want to lose my parents. ever. and i know i know, there's heaven. but. i want them here, with me. i want to hug them and hold their hands and have conversations with them. but as morbid as it may seem, one day i'm going to be at their funerals, wondering where all the time went.

God, hold us.

please.

bring the rain

bring me joy, bring me peace,
bring the chance to be free,
bring me anything that brings You glory.

and i know there'll be days
when this life brings me pain,
but if that's what it takes to praise You,

jesus, bring the rain.

give me some time

don't say you love me,
you don't even know me.
if you really want me,
then give me some time.

i'm not petite,
you're not religious,
we have terribly clashing movie tastes,

and maybe, probably,
a little bit,
most of all,
you're not him.

what am i doing?
what have i gotten myself into?

i don't want to hurt you.
i don't want to hurt him.

i don't want to get hurt-
but that's the least of my worries.

you love me!?

up against

never underestimate the power
of kisses on the forehead,
holding hands, and being held
even if it's up against,
well,
you.

your words.

your beautiful soul.

special

when we're little,
we boast about being special.
we revel in it,
splash around in it,
but not too much
because it's miine,
all mine.

then there we are as adolescents
and all we want, our one desire,
is to shed our "special"ness,
to belong, to click, to fit.

&then we grow up and realize,
it doesn't really matter
whether we embrace it or not, because
we're never as special as we think.

he's not the one

but i'm having fun
and i'm better off without you
and i think it's what i want..

i'm getting over you, whoa
i'm getting over you,
most of the time..

if i say it like i mean it
then maybe i'll believe it,
like it's true-
i'm getting over you.

waiting &staying awake

the flowers you gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them away
some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
they might so i'm waiting and staying awake

things i have loved i'm allowed to keep
i'll never know if i go to sleep

what beautiful words.
i'm trying hard not to lose faith.
i'm trying hard to wait for something beautiful.

honestly

i just want to be
ravaged.

i'm longing for some aggressiveness,
some assertion,
some sweeping,
some falling
head over heels.

i don't want to wade cautiously in,
i don't want to plan and dream,
i don't want to have time to think.

just do it.

push me over the edge-
i want to fly.

thankful

thank You for the cross Lord
thank You for the price You paid

i meant what i said on the bus.
You're first.
it's all from You.
it's all for You.

but i still do want to write about my weekend,
even though i don't really know where to start.

actually i do.
i'll start with that one name that's been swimming through my mind since saturday.

so after two and a half years. there we were in penn station. and then there we were running around the museum of natural history, pressing buttons-buttons that scared me, buttons that didn't do anything, buttons that lit up. and there was that guy from colombia who was talking to me while i was waiting outside the bathroom for you, praying hoping urging you to come back and get me out of an uncomfortable conversation. there we were at the toy store with the hundreds of dollars giant ride-able animals and that sweet paper airplane-$10 for 3. there we were, walking around new york city dazzled by the city lights, by christmas lights. there we were at the disney store taking pictures with goofy and chip and dale. there we were on that street corner, the people surging around us pressing us up against each other. there we were at times square, more excited for m&ms and elmo than katie holmes and tom cruise. there we were eating sushi and talking about things we didn't eat. there we were at sixteen handles eating fro-yo and discovering mochi. there we were at the end of it all, a quick hug, and then we walked away. there we were. two and a half years after- after what? two dinners and a game of pool? but here we are, mulling over sleepless nights by the glow of our phones.

you: so when's the next time you'll be in new york?
me: hm.. not christmas. not spring break. maybe some point during summer? like if i make a point to :)
you: hm, that's too far away...maybe i will just visit boston one day. when are you done this semester?

<3

that's it for now.