may thirty-first

the end has a way of quietly slipping out the door without making a stir. and i'm not talking about the end of something big even, although those don't slip out quite so effortlessly, but something simple like the end of a month. if i hadn't written today, in a month's time, a week even, no one would notice- may thirtieth would've run into june first seamlessly.

but today happened- i lived it, maybe not well, but i lived it. i was here for it- i was here. i watched three movies- carolina, over her dead body, and in the land of women. i asked a lot of questions and learned how to play settlers. i unpacked two boxes of trinkets and memories with my mom. i ate a bowl of watermelon with absolutely no seeds and felt so completely blessed by how much my mom loves me. i planned lunch tomorrow with a beloved friend and sunny pool goodness after. i dotted my i's and crossed my t's. i said goodbye and went to sleep.

how did it get so late so soon?

it's night before it's afternoon
december is here before it's june
my goodness how the time has flewn
how did it get so late so soon?
- dr. seuss

just because

you've let go of something doesn't mean that it's gone-
it just means you're not gonna be the one holding it for now.

and that's o.k.

there i sat awash with neon

gazing up at love's fancy footwork



listening to heartbeats
and trying desperately to understand my own.

the morning after

the end.

i know this is a good thing.
i know it's for the best.
and i know that it's a wonderful world
but I can't feel it right now.

i wanted this..

i was so tired-
tired of being confused.
tired of holding on to something that
i may or may not even have had in the first place.
tired of waiting, so tired of waiting
for nothing- it's hard enough waiting for something,
but waiting for absolutely nothing. i couldn't.
not anymore.

i couldn't do it anymore.
i didn't want to do it anymore.

but now.
the emptiness kicks in
and when i close my eyes-
i can picture the exact shades of darkness we burrowed in as we whispered away the nights.
i can feel all the songs we spoke, we sang, we shared, we knew by heart.
i can hear all of the silliness that passed between us and the memory tugs at the corners of my lips.
and most of all, i can see the exact shape of you in my heart-
two and a half years is a big hole to fill.

give ear to my words, o Lord, consider my sighing.
listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
for to you I pray.

in the morning, o Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning i lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
psalm 5:1-3, 11

i can't do this anymore

you're either in my life or you're not-
and if you don't want to really truly be in my life,
then get the heck out.

i can't freaking do this anymore-
my heart hurts.


we're not alone,
just lonely all of the time

oh brother

could this be out of line?

it totally is, isn't it?
oh boy.

i'm sensing a trend here-
c. j. m. h. d.

cheese

so, between my brother's baseball game and late night belagios last night and being at the osaki's today for rachel's birthday and then szrya and chun shui tang, i was looking through photo albums and i noticed for the first time, to my great amusement, that as a kid i have basically the same disposition as i do now! i mean it makes sense seeing as they're both me, but i never realized before. for some reason this time i noticed that in picture after picture i'm either baring my teeth or glaring sideways or sticking my tongue out or wearing a big cheesy toothy grin and i was like ha- i do that now :)

my world is changing

i'm rearranging

a wiggle, a scoot,
maybe i can fit-
but the reality is,
it's not my seat anymore.

i hate this. i hate that the thought even crossed my mind-
what am i doing back here?

this is shanghai, my beloved shanghai world-
the city i love, that i so pined over, longed for, yearned for.
i wanted more than anything to be back here.
i wanted more than anything to be home.

but none of this feels like home anymore.
none of this belongs to me anymore-
my furniture, these walls,
my youth group, my school,
even my relationships.

this is supposed to be home.
so where does that leave me?

i know, i know-
heaven is our home.

it's just
it'd be nice to have somewhere to belong down here.

the world is my coloring book

and i want to be all the crayons in the box!
you can be a box of crayons too :)

or maybe we're the boxes, and jesus is all the crayons in us!
because the colors aren't our own, we're just vessels-
more of You and less of me.

if i were a crayon box, i would definitely say that to my crayons.

oh, if only i were a pair of techni-colored lenses-
that way i could show the whole big beautiful world to everyone around me in more colors than they ever knew to dream in.

color, colors, colors ♥
potentially the one thing i love more than
words, words, words.

this is why pop art is such a joy-
andy warhol knew where it was at, yo.


there's nothing quite like being devoured by colors!