can you feel the love

tonight.

at the comedy club performance tonight, i listened as upperclassmen cheered each other on, whooped, and declared their love to their performing classmates. it feels a life time away right now as we're bustling around picking up and dropping names like they're a dime a dozen, no even that is giving it too much credit, more like a nickel, less, hardly two pennies to rub together. well, at least i finally met you.

and you called me back, which was a super nice surprise. always surprising me. call-waiting is my hero. no way. that was only 18 minutes? it felt like so much longer.

and i get to see my mommy and daddy tomorrow. god, how i love them--enough to get up early even.

learning to wait

those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. isaiah 40:31 (nkjv)

i closed my eyes as i listened to those familiar words and i could feel warmth coursing through my body.

i closed my eyes and saw the vibrant colors of the mural on the back wall. i saw the lake at aurora. i saw hands lifted in the dark, silhouettes of surrendered passion. i saw jostling and mouths opening in laughter. but in the verse itself, i saw something i never noticed before.

it doesn't say, "those who wait on the lord shall.."
"receive whatever they want," not even "whatever they need."
"feel their burdens instantly lifted."
"be rescued without any further ado."

sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.

the storm may not have ceased
the burdens may not have evaporated
we may still be trudging along
but instead, He provides us strength to keep trudging on,
strength to keep bearing our burdens,
strength to weather the storm,
strength to run,
strength to walk,
strength to finish.

la. la. laaaaa.

my emotions are so fickle.
up.
down.
uuuupp.
down.
my inner child is having way too much fun on that see-saw.

up :)
like the corners of my mouth.

that was fun.
harrowing.
intimidating.
at times awkward.
but fun.
and you promised you'd call again later.
you had a presence and a ease in that conversation that was refreshing.
things aren't as cryptic with you beyond the unspoken essential-
are the feelings mutual?

whooosh

that's the sound of the fall.
or the sound of the savior that sweeps in and grabs me by the waist moments before i crash.

i'm doing it again-
that thing where i try to see how long i can go without checking my phone
in order to preserve myself from the pangs of frequent disappointment
but where my plan backfires is that the anticipation builds up,
takes me higher
and i have a longer way down

i definitely jumped the gun.

sigh

maybe i jumped the gun
maybe i came on too strong
i'm praying for God to prompt you.
i'm staring down my phone, willing it to ring.
i feel the same nothingness that i feel when i try to will my ears to wiggle
what part of your brain is it in anyway?
do i know you well enough to warrant missing you already?

12:09 am
exactly 48 hours since that first text
i still wonder why
was it on a whim
were you bored
why'd you think to text me
why do i keep putting myself in this position
why do i get attached so easily
the letdown is not always beautiful :(

you're weird, but i like it

you've reduced me to this:
:)

first you surprised me with a text
you, who don't text

and then you showed me that i was right
we are kind of perfect together
and you gave us the chance to find out

man, i'm still kind of in shock
that we even had that conversation
that that was you on the other end

i mean i felt it in my gut that we'd be good together
but now i have the texts in my inbox to prove it

well atleast we have the randomly imaginary sillyness conversation necessity down
now all that's left is the deep poetic side
and i'd like to figure out if you'll get my song lyric references that i love to sprinkle in

this post has been so verbosely lacking in so many aspects
but i don't even care

my words are yours tonight.

wisteria

talking to you is dangerous
it gets me all worked up in wisteria
no, not the pretty purple flowers,
but a concoction of wistfulness and hysteria.

you pull me back from the joys i find in my here and now
and you remind me of the girl i was by simply having known her
not just her face, her name, or the sound of her voice
i always say this, but i truly feel that you knew my inner workings
you understood what made me tick and what made me talk
you could even predict what i'd say
you understood the things that tugged on my heart strings
and you knew what that felt like to have your heartstrings yanked on
you saw the depths of how i felt things
you understood my tangents-
the deep lyrical ones and the silly play ones alike
maybe i give you too much credit,
but you knew me like no one else

the funny thing with relationships
is you start out invisible to the other person
then you get noticed and upgrade to being opaque- you exist to them
but with time, you become transparent again
though this time, it's a good transparent
they can see right through you,
not all the way through like the original state,
but through, to the very essence of you.

stumped

what do guys want to hear after they tell you you're beautiful?
what's the right response? what reply would make their risk worth it?

i mean it is kind of a risk.
it's the kind of words that after sent out, you hold your breath until you get a reply, playing back your reasons for making the admittance, toying with regret, evaluating this fresh position of vulnerability you've put yourself in

i'm never good at returning compliments because i feel so awkward and,
well just plain awkward,
so much so that even if my compliment is genuine it comes out really awkward and forced

i'm the most awkward recipient of a compliment you'll ever meet.
and that's a fact.

but
beautiful
i've always loved that word
<3

i wish you were here

i've seen your act
& i know all the facts
i'm still in love with who i wish you were

a screeching halt

that wasn't fair of you.

and even though a secret part of me probably wanted you to do this
what i didn't know wouldn't have hurt me.

you didn't have to remind me
how this felt one year six months ago, i know
i cannot forget. i cannot forget.
i guess it was nice knowing that you hadn't forgotten either

but i was trying to
at least forget enough to make things easier
sigh
maybe we'll forget
we're both trying to a little
i know it

but you wanna know something else,
i hope we don't forget.