forever and ever and everr

for some time passes slowly, an hour can seem an eternity.
for others, there's never enough.

the hours felt like eternities in maryland and surprisingly, or sadly, far too many hours in shanghai have also felt like an eternity. summers are so anti-climatic. we spend semesters looking forward to them and then when they finally roll around like clockwork, for in fact they are dictated by clockwork, we get all excited like with a new toy and then the boredom kicks in and we just waste it. and before we know it, we'll be all grown'd up (ha. i never noticed how much grown'd up, yea, yea, it's improper and nonexistent but i like it, sounds like grooooann'd up) and we won't have any more summers. we'll have outgrown them like tight jeans and purple eyeliner- though personally, i'm hoping to never outgrow the latter. i'm so acutely aware of how there's not enough time in this world, yet tonight, like so many nights this week, i have way too much time. man, i wish at&t controlled my hours and that way i can have roll-over minutes! i'd actually use these unlike my silly unnecessary phone minutes- how does anyone ever use them all up with all those free nights and weekends and at&t to at&t calls? but seriously, if only i could do a little bit of rearranging and move some of these extra minutes and hours and save them for some day or someone- for one of those moments teeming with all sorts of magic and you would give the world if only it could last forever. it's so unfair, so ironic, so typical of life to make the moments you want to last forever the most fleeting.

tuck said it to winnie the summer she turned 15- do not fear death, but rather the un-lived life. you don't have to live forever. you just have to live.

and she did.

rush of fools

i’m so aware of what i deserve
i should be drowning in the red sea tonight

but so aware of what you impart
i’m only drowning in Your love tonight
i’m only drowning in Your love

cause You give when You should take away
and You take what should have been my pain
and You offer good when I’ve none in me
You’re the only love that makes me complete

midnight melted to morning

a moment faded to memory

after all the remembering last night. after getting home at 6 in the morning. after sleeping until 5 in the afternoon. i spent the last three hours reading through some of my high school diaries- july 8, 2004 to november 9, 2006. four diaries in two years, one of which was filled up in two months. i used to write so much. my current diary? june 7, 2007 to.. well, you can fill in the blanks because clearly, i'm not. and i guess it's discouraging but i think i've figured out why i don't write anymore. somewhere along the way, i realized that i can't fit my whole life into my diary. i can stick in as many ticket stubs and boarding passes or copy in as many text messages (and believe me, i've copied in a lot) as i want. i can record the exact length of phone calls and video chats and capture the anxiety and anticipation before and the satisfaction or frustration or giddyness afterward. i can print out photos and emails and blog entries and painstakingly glue them all in. but to what end? it'll never be enough- not nearly. there are so many shades of emotions in the heat of moments and even in stillness, nuances and voice inflections and silences and whispered sentiments and sound effects that can't just be printed out and glued onto a page- words, hours worth of words, start slipping away here and there before the conversation is even over. glances and eyes rolled and eyebrows raised, shy smiles and smells and inexplicable brushes of fingertips, silent wishes and hasty prayers and acts of deliberation and words, words, words- more words than i could ever write.

so why write them? just to say i was here? that this is my moment- the finished bowl of watermelon on my right, the saran-wrap untidily peeled away, scrunched, perched on one edge of the bowl, the fork lying diagonally in it, my right leg propped up on the same corner of the table, my calf touching the bowl, i'm incomplete and i'm undone, but i suppose like everyone, there's so much more that's going on, behind the scenes, the microwave in the kitchen down the hall just 'ding'ed, my tigger cell phone silenced, my elmo bag in a heap on the scanner. but there's so much more. there are thoughts racing through my mind beyond the ones i'm typing out. my heart is murmuring all sorts of unintelligible emotions. there are files in my recycling bin that i haven't gotten around to 'move to trash.' if even a simple still moment like this one can't be captured, no other moment stands a chance.

this is my moment, my simple still moment. it's not yours and it'll never be mine again- no amount of words or diagrams could make it either of ours. you have your own moment and even if i could paint a perfect picture of my moment for you to relive, by engaging it you'll lose yours. so i'll live my moment and you'll live yours. and we'll love the time we have because that's really all we can ever do.

running through yesterday into tomorrow
don’t let it just drift away
forget about tying the hands of time
give every minute to the One who gave us today
- joy williams

there's gotta be forever somewhere

otherwise, all this loving is for nothing.

may thirty-first

the end has a way of quietly slipping out the door without making a stir. and i'm not talking about the end of something big even, although those don't slip out quite so effortlessly, but something simple like the end of a month. if i hadn't written today, in a month's time, a week even, no one would notice- may thirtieth would've run into june first seamlessly.

but today happened- i lived it, maybe not well, but i lived it. i was here for it- i was here. i watched three movies- carolina, over her dead body, and in the land of women. i asked a lot of questions and learned how to play settlers. i unpacked two boxes of trinkets and memories with my mom. i ate a bowl of watermelon with absolutely no seeds and felt so completely blessed by how much my mom loves me. i planned lunch tomorrow with a beloved friend and sunny pool goodness after. i dotted my i's and crossed my t's. i said goodbye and went to sleep.

how did it get so late so soon?

it's night before it's afternoon
december is here before it's june
my goodness how the time has flewn
how did it get so late so soon?
- dr. seuss

just because

you've let go of something doesn't mean that it's gone-
it just means you're not gonna be the one holding it for now.

and that's o.k.

there i sat awash with neon

gazing up at love's fancy footwork



listening to heartbeats
and trying desperately to understand my own.

the morning after

the end.

i know this is a good thing.
i know it's for the best.
and i know that it's a wonderful world
but I can't feel it right now.

i wanted this..

i was so tired-
tired of being confused.
tired of holding on to something that
i may or may not even have had in the first place.
tired of waiting, so tired of waiting
for nothing- it's hard enough waiting for something,
but waiting for absolutely nothing. i couldn't.
not anymore.

i couldn't do it anymore.
i didn't want to do it anymore.

but now.
the emptiness kicks in
and when i close my eyes-
i can picture the exact shades of darkness we burrowed in as we whispered away the nights.
i can feel all the songs we spoke, we sang, we shared, we knew by heart.
i can hear all of the silliness that passed between us and the memory tugs at the corners of my lips.
and most of all, i can see the exact shape of you in my heart-
two and a half years is a big hole to fill.

give ear to my words, o Lord, consider my sighing.
listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
for to you I pray.

in the morning, o Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning i lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
psalm 5:1-3, 11

i can't do this anymore

you're either in my life or you're not-
and if you don't want to really truly be in my life,
then get the heck out.

i can't freaking do this anymore-
my heart hurts.


we're not alone,
just lonely all of the time