just ask the leaves

imported from facebook.

"there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven..
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away"
ecclesiastes 3:1,6



a time to hold on and a time to let go.
just ask the leaves.

one foot too many

a wise and beloved friend of mine once told me,

"the feeling of being swept off your feet is nothing compared to the feeling of caring about someone so much that you don't give a damn about where your feet are."

except, i'd just prefer it if they were right next to yours.

take your time

don't jump,
i'm not ready.

don't fall,
it'll hurt.

i don't know what i want yet.

breathe in for luck

imported from facebook.

i'm starting to think that love no longer sweeps in like a whirlwind,
but rather, meek and unnoticed, passed over as something seemingly ordinary,
like a breath, and you just gotta keep breathing in and out,
and in,
and out,

and that will make all the difference.

breathe in so deep.

last one standing

there's something wrong with this picture:
my feet are still very much firmly planted on the ground.

i've never been swept off my feet.

this realization is incredibly depressing considering the number of guys i've fallen for
so what made me fall all those times? what was the mysterious force behind my multitude of crash and burns?

this is the first time i've really stopped to think about this sad, sad truth
maybe they liked me first, but looking back, i don't even think i can give them credit for that much.
and even if they did, i was right there liking them back, and they didn't have to do any sweeping or pursuing or convincing or coercing.
and as much as i hate to admit it, more often than not,
i made the first move-
i took the subtle initiatives to nudge a developing relationship on and set the ball rolling on its grueling trajectory.

and i know it's old fashioned to expect guys to do all the pursuing
and maybe it's too romantic an idea: "being swept off your feet"
maybe it's too disney, too hollywood
maybe it's simply a relic of the past
and people don't get swept off their feet anymore
maybe love no longer sweeps in like a whirlwind, but rather, meek and unnoticed, passed over as something seemingly ordinary, like a breath, and you just gotta keep breathing in and out and in and out, and that will make all the difference.

and sure, "good for me," i know what i want, and i pursue it
but it's not a product of confidence as it may seem,
it's insecurity.

the fact of the matter is,
you can't be pursued unless you're running
and my insecurity never allows me to run,
in case the guy doesn't care enough to follow after,
and often times, i feel like they're not ready to give chase,
we gotta take a few more baby steps,
i gotta lead them by the hand and coax them into letting me a little deeper into their heart.
and if i have to do any coaxing or convincing or any of this subtle facilitation,
my feet will keep hitting the ground step after step.

and the times my feet leave the ground
it's because i jumped.

confrontation

every time i read postsecret,
i'm reminded how short life is,
how fleeting beauty is,
how elusive love is,
and above all:
how it's all worth it.

i feel like we're standing on the edge of something big.
take a leap of faith with me.
either let me love you,
or let me let go.

but it's so hard to let go when letting go of you
means letting go of parts of myself-
the pieces of me,
my heart, my words, my identity,
that i've entrusted to you.

is there even still something left to let go of
or has denial and neglect taken care of it?

no.
i know there's still something
i still feel something
and i'm unable to believe that you don't

dammit, i feel so frustrated with everything that's unspoken
it's always been this way
but the distance has just exacerbated it
why can't i find the words whenever it comes to you
and me

meanwhile, i have all the words in the world to capture the dining hall's serenade of flavors resounding in a symphony of gluttony

we've lost it already haven't we...
is it even worth it, this struggle for words
when the subject i so long to define is nonexistant?
maybe that's why i struggle so

in yet another round of tug-of-war with silence,
i feel my words slipping out of my grasp in a blaze of raw pain.

i think i love you
and to tell you the truth,
i'm scared.

chris

that space belongs to everything i can't bring myself to say to you
everything i don't know how to say
i start email after email, but i can never finish
i hardly even get past your name
and so i duck behind a cover of silence and ambiguity
not because i've moved on or forgotten
but because i'm scared to let you see that i haven't

but i can see the words that belong there
i know them all by heart

considerably blue

when i wring out my blue wash cloth,
the water that trickles down is still tinted blue
this disturbs me considerably

when i wring my hands, standing on the brink of a daydream
your name is still the first thing on my mind
like a reflex, like a bad habit, like an old friend
this saddens me considerably

yesterday

you, i got to talk on the phone with for an hour
you, i got to walk the aisles of target with
meanwhile, you're fading
and i'm torn

do i try to remember-
find the vague shadows of you in my mind
and lead you by the hand back into my heart,
or do i revel in this unintentional release..

catch me?

how could a girl not fall for you,
how do i even stand a chance.