it's me, debra

once again, i sit here on my bed with my fingers poised and my heart heavy and i type away. and then i erase it all because it's all ugly. just like last sentence, just like this sentence. just like every sentence i harbor inside right now. these past two weeks have been. have been. have been what? halloween night conversations and candy. helplessly listening to your saturday night drunken depression. thursday night questioning faith sermon. friday night with my dad and watching changeling. friday night in the hotel room after he's gone to sleep, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, crying on the phone with you. who am i? am i happy? sometimes i feel like i'm pretending to be the very person i need in my life. if that makes any sense. i need someone who has complete and utter faith, someone who will get people excited about God. and since i haven't found that someone, i'm trying to be her. for me. for everyone. because if that's who i need, others must need it too. but is that really me? that's who other people see me as, but i'm not convinced. i'm. it's just.

my entire identity is built up around who i am in Him. in who He says i am. in what He's done for me rather than who i am and what i do. i can't help wonder if i'm just holding on because i'm scared that when i let go, everything will change. my friends. the music i listen to. the way i express my love. the way i see the world. the people i'm attracted to. the way i act to attract people. but even as i say that, i know it's not that i'm choosing not to let go. i couldn't even if i wanted to. i can't even imagine that existence. is it even possible for me to fall away? every time i pick up a guitar what songs am i going to play? when i'm scared or hurting or stressed, how can i not cry out to God and ask Him to hide me now, under His wings. and every verse i know by heart, every verse i know on which side of the bible it's on, every verse i know to be true, how will my heart ever forget them? how can i keep myself from praying, from worshipping Him, from talking to Him. but is it only impossible cause it's habit, it's all i know. it's. is it? i mean, i know life before that. i wasn't always a christian. but that's the other thing. with all this interfaith conversations i've been having i can't help but wonder, had this not been the first religion i tried out, would i be as devout in believing something else? i was okay during the conversations because i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what i believed to be true and that i believed it simply because i had experienced Him and no logic can ever change what i knew from experience. but. then there she was talking about other religions and how they felt their God's presence, they experienced their God in the same way we did. christians aren't the only ones who have a God that can be experienced. now what? where does that leave me? then there was him who said that christianity was nice and all but it was more of a emotional outlet. and all these questions. all my questions. they clamber up to the surface. but i was still okay until that movie and all the thoughts of death it put in my head. why is death always such a brick wall to me? i get so scared, so unsure, so timid. i crash into it. i fall. and everything unravels. because if i can't believe in heaven and hell, then where does that leave me? it's so easy to have faith here. now. about our future. about what God is doing in our world. our world-here. i want to teach in inner city public schools because i believe that even if i can't make a difference in what i teach them, i'll know and be able to pray for them, and that could make all the difference. it's so easy to believe in His power and His love and His grace and even His sacrifice. but. why can't i seem to believe in heaven and hell? what good was the sacrifice if it was for no purpose, if it didn't allow us, who were all destined for hell, to get to heaven and spend eternity with God. so why is death such a clincher in my mind. i think about death and all i think is the end. full stop. i can't. i don't. i.

who am i?

who are You?